Letting the emotions run wild (once a month)

Are you ever afraid to let yourself "Feel" too much? I adore my kids....I love on them all day long. Even my husband gets hugs and kisses and sweet nothings. But are you ever afraid if you really sit and let yourself get absorbed by the depth of how much you feel for them, you might break down into tears and not be able to stop? Yes, we women get to feel that way. Once a month. It's fun! At least for us....perhaps not for all. The roller coaster....it's quite the ride.

Today was my hormonal one. I went from feeling like super-mom providing Logan with all the essentials for preschool show and tell, complete with appropriate hand-written note explaining his family vacation, his souvenier (a disney monorail), and even pictures which we discussed ahead of time. Not to mention he had to be dressed in Red, White and Blue. Then at some point by the time we got home mid-afternoon, all caring and energy left and poof! Logan so sweetly asked me "Mommy Play Me?" and I said "No." How could I? But I did say it and I meant it, I didnt' want to play. He had angered me that afternoon. We met up with my mom and sister for lunch and he acted like a grouch, ignoring them and pretending to be tired. So I assumed he might take a nice long nap. Nope, magically he was "cured" the minute the dreaded lunch was over and we were on our way home. I was livid and after being my not-nicest self to him I had to sit down and tell him he was not nice to Nan and Jamie and that made mommy mad and sometimes being pouty is very mean. Then we hugged and started over.

Tonight Jorge let me go to a movie. Woohoo! I have done this a few times over the past half a year. It's liberating. I had never gone to a movie alone before, and since all my friends have kids and it takes a month's advance notice to know if we can get together, it can be a spur of the moment thing. I went to see "Definitely, Maybe." I loved it. The premise is a dad on the verge of divorce tells his pre-teen daughter the story of his relationship with her mother, and the other women in between. It was very well done and so real. People aren't perfect. They are influenced by the moment and this movie was all about it. I haven't had more than one love in my life so I didn't relate there. But I was so influenced by the movie. The scene where they banter over politics and high aspirations- wondered what my life was about, what my aspirations are. The scene where they see a book reading- wondering why I haven't been to one in forever. The scene where the woman is in journalism- made me wonder if my words would ever be published.

So I guess I came home all full of thoughts and put the kids to bed and came down to "publish" my first manuscript while I am still within those 24 hours where I allow myself to think with abandon. I hope you enjoy my blog. I'm sure I'll post 1000 pictures, because it is my hobby and my happiness is my family, so capturing their moments is my pleasure. But I also have a bit of my godfather in me, so bear with my long-winded Irish side! Now get out to celebrate St. Patricks' Day! Only 1 more hour until March officially starts, and we all know St. Pat's can be celebrated for the whole month right?

When I met him. When I met her.

When I met Logan, I was shocked. Nothing prepares you for the first sight of your child. They look nothing like you imagine. And nothing like you could have dreamt. Since he was a cesarean baby in the breech position, he chose not to squish his little head into an weird shapes, so he definitely had that "perfect newborn" look about him. I was so overwhelmed, it took me til the next day when I was in the room alone with him to break down into sobs telling him how absolutely beautiful he was out loud. It was something between a thank-you prayer to God and my first lullaby, but I will never forget those moments. It was sheer joy. And when Jorge and I drove home from the hospital, we both cried so hard we were sobbing, and our friend met us at the door and didn't even know what to do because we were both bawling, 20 minutes later! We just held each other and looked at this magnificent little being in his carseat and said over and over "He's here. We did it. He's perfect." And he was, he was our perfect little boy, our son.



When I met Sylvie, it was another surgery. I absolutely could not imagine that she would look like Logan. He was such a huge mix of myself, my husband and each of our families I did not think it was possible. She was perfect in every way and had this sweet rosebud mouth that I fell in love with immediately. The circumstances at the hospital were less than ideal. We had to share a room with a distraught couple whose baby was in the NICU. Jorge could not stay overnight to help out. And they messed a lot of things up- so I lost confidence in the staff. Not to mention, Jorge had an allergic reaction and ended up in another hospital emergency room overnight. But we were surrounded by family and could not wait to introduce our firstborn to his new sibling. I had a lot of quiet time with Sylvie and basically all she wanted was all mommy all the time. I should have known! I was sitting there hour upon hour just marveling in my daughter. She was smart, she knew right away how to let us all know what she liked (mommy's milk and mommy's arms) and what she did not (her bassinet). Two years later, it is the same. She is a complete mommy's girl and still does not like going to bed in her bed! I had flashes to the tea parties, the outings at the mall....and tried to drink in every single moment. I knew we would have a special bond, being girls. And I was so excited about it all. And calm and peaceful. And very very ready to leave the hospital and bring her home. She was my sweet angel and still is, she has us wrapped around her little finger.

Logan






Sylvie