I think she was needy from birth but since we are so attachment focused she got what she wanted to satisfy those needs. So today on Dr. Phil they had a mom who has one of those 3 year olds who screams. Yeah, that would be Sylvie circa age 3! She was so intense and you just knew certain things would set her off. You know, like "mommy is going for a bike ride...." she would freak out the whole time and I would come home to a frazzled Jorge who had promised the kid everything including the kitchen sink if she would just. stop. screaming.
On the Dr. Phil show they went over different tactics that didn't work for a high-needs child (aka Sylvie) and that the one thing that would work was mirroring joy. Holy smokes I remember the day I decided. No matter what, I was only going to be happy, loving and not mad. I was going to tell her over and over that I know she was wearing her angries but that Mommy loved her no matter what and was not angry. And what can we do to get you through the angries to the lovelies and do it together. I don't think it was some miracle solution for my screaming toddler but it sure restored my sanity. And my relationship with my daughter.
I have a friend who has an almost-teen. She and I would talk because our daughters were the same. When I spoke with her about my tactics they were also her tactics and here she was years later fighting the same battles. So I decided that wasn't going to work. And you know what, the alternate worked. Mirroring Joy. What a concept.
She is a beautiful complex wonderful 6 year old who sees the world for what it is. She cuts to the chase and can sum up a situation in a moment. If I had to guess which of my 3 would be president someday, it would be her. She has drive like no other. Logan will be too busy fighting for world peace to deal with politics. And Venice, at this young age of 2 months I'm guessing something quiet and sensitive like a concert pianist. I can dream. If they are happy, I'm good.
A memory from Sylvie circa age 2 or 3. We went to Alexis and Marco's house with Kimi. They had a dress-up box. Basically Sylvie went along following the kids in whatever they did and either collected the best of the dolls, trucks, game pieces, etc. for her own, or demanded to wear the dress up that she chose as "best." There was not Team, only I. Then came time for me to leave and get Logan from preschool. That would require removing a dress-up costume from Sylvie. There were tears, then screaming, and then it got physical. While trying to remove said dress and put her new one one, the other moms are looking with wide eyes wondering if this is all worth it. Oh yes it was because gosh darn it, she has stolen a mermaid doll from the last playdate, we were not about to start collecting other people's possessions! So here I am begging, pleading, reasoning and arm-wrestling my little one. To no avail. So I carried her out. In her underwear. Screaming. And wrestled her into the carseat. In her underwear. To get Logan from preschool. I don't think the teachers dared to say anything at the pickup. There was no joy that day.
At one point I figured out how to deal with this chickie monkey and I think instead of teaching her limits I realized I needed to teach her Unconditional Love. At first things turned around for me. I enjoyed parenting her more. I had less teary nights that would send Logan running to be upset alone. We just dealt with it all together. And we still do.
I'm writing this down because who knows how Venice will be as a child and if she takes after Sylvie I'll want a road map. Here it is. Mirror Joy. And Unconditional Love. And the rest will fall into Place.
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