I'm feeling so blah and uninspired lately. I don't love what I do at my job, I am a bit p'o'd at the company for who they are and there are a lot of lag times where there is not a lot to do, and that makes me feel worse. I worry I will lose my job constantly. Nothing like the head of company popping over to your cubicle on your "Friday" to make you freak out. I feel uninspired by work. Annoyed with the kids. They both have colds so I can't even understand what they are saying and the other night Logan's medicine got him hyper (it was recommended by the doc) and I just don't have the patience to deal with Sylvie's incessant non-sleeping issues (she's still sitting behind me after a crying fit at 9:40 pm on a non-nap day). I have been sick on and off all winter and I'm just done not feeling my 100%.
Money is always a stressor and I'm getting pretty underpaid right now, especially after the big paycut. But it's not like A- there are any jobs out there in my field or B- anyone who is hiring is paying anything decent. And heck, let's increase the cost of everything. Police are ticketing like crazy, I see 5 police every day on my 15 minute drive to work. There are cameras at all the main intersections and I keep hearing that people are getting tickets for not stopping at the exact perfect place before turning on red and getting tickets in the mail for $100!!! The news always gets me more riled up, I try to avoid it actually, they are so sensationalist. Can't cheer for the stock market for more than a minute, must hear about some child that did some horrendous thing to someone. Or about some company who just did big layoffs. I'm overwhelmed that I don't seem to care about some things. I spent years trying to get past not having a total say or input or knowledge of my kids every day activities and now I'm sad that it doesn't matter that much what they did. I want to be a "teacher" type and I don't really feel like I'm good at that. I don't feel like I'm good at making a routine, we do a lot of different things and then I get bored of them. I feel like I should shake my life up, and I know moving, having another child, switching jobs or careers is a really dumb move right now. And my kids are in a good school, I'm so excited about having all that picked out- that's a huge peace of mind in itself. I wish I could devote my attention to more things, be on top of the cooking, meal-planning, raising the kids. And I am. In spurts. And not all at once. I wish I had more patience for it all. But instead I feel restless. Big time.
I know I could be a million times worse off. I have a good family, live in a good place, gorgeous kids and a husband who loves me, surrounded by family, a religion and a church, have friends, have balance of work and home enough to clean my house and keep up with the laundry and still bring home a paycheck. I feel like I am not allowed to be disappointed in this stage of my life, especially in this economy. I need to be happy that I'm surviving it. But on my blog, I'm allowed to be whatever I want, so here it is. I'm not thrilled with it all right now. And don't really have a good sense of why or what I need to make it all better. Jorge says I need to do some soul-searching. I guess so. Any insight on how to do that?
PS- Sylvie is suddenly snoring on the couch behind me. That's a good thing:) Hoping tomorrow we can get out (though I did hear the word "Snow"!) and we can go to the zoo with friends and enjoy Logan's "Spring Break. " Is it bad that I keep ignoring the neighbor boy who wants to come play? I really don't like him. And I especially don't like being his babysitter. He breaks our toys.
Money is always a stressor and I'm getting pretty underpaid right now, especially after the big paycut. But it's not like A- there are any jobs out there in my field or B- anyone who is hiring is paying anything decent. And heck, let's increase the cost of everything. Police are ticketing like crazy, I see 5 police every day on my 15 minute drive to work. There are cameras at all the main intersections and I keep hearing that people are getting tickets for not stopping at the exact perfect place before turning on red and getting tickets in the mail for $100!!! The news always gets me more riled up, I try to avoid it actually, they are so sensationalist. Can't cheer for the stock market for more than a minute, must hear about some child that did some horrendous thing to someone. Or about some company who just did big layoffs. I'm overwhelmed that I don't seem to care about some things. I spent years trying to get past not having a total say or input or knowledge of my kids every day activities and now I'm sad that it doesn't matter that much what they did. I want to be a "teacher" type and I don't really feel like I'm good at that. I don't feel like I'm good at making a routine, we do a lot of different things and then I get bored of them. I feel like I should shake my life up, and I know moving, having another child, switching jobs or careers is a really dumb move right now. And my kids are in a good school, I'm so excited about having all that picked out- that's a huge peace of mind in itself. I wish I could devote my attention to more things, be on top of the cooking, meal-planning, raising the kids. And I am. In spurts. And not all at once. I wish I had more patience for it all. But instead I feel restless. Big time.
I know I could be a million times worse off. I have a good family, live in a good place, gorgeous kids and a husband who loves me, surrounded by family, a religion and a church, have friends, have balance of work and home enough to clean my house and keep up with the laundry and still bring home a paycheck. I feel like I am not allowed to be disappointed in this stage of my life, especially in this economy. I need to be happy that I'm surviving it. But on my blog, I'm allowed to be whatever I want, so here it is. I'm not thrilled with it all right now. And don't really have a good sense of why or what I need to make it all better. Jorge says I need to do some soul-searching. I guess so. Any insight on how to do that?
PS- Sylvie is suddenly snoring on the couch behind me. That's a good thing:) Hoping tomorrow we can get out (though I did hear the word "Snow"!) and we can go to the zoo with friends and enjoy Logan's "Spring Break. " Is it bad that I keep ignoring the neighbor boy who wants to come play? I really don't like him. And I especially don't like being his babysitter. He breaks our toys.
PPS- If she's asleep, why oh why is Blue's Clues still on?
Hoping for a better tomorrow.
Hoping for a better tomorrow.
2 comments:
I love the honesty in this post. I can relate to so much of what you're writing. For me at least, part of it is the time of year because I get this way at the end of ever winter. I've really made a commitment to exercising over the past month or so and that has made a huge difference in my mood, but I am still restless and frustrated with my life right now.
The economy is such a huge part of all of this, I think. The constant threat of layoffs hanging over your head is very scary and stressful and it's hard to make any plans for the future, since you don't know what the future will hold financially.
Oh - and no, I don't think it's bad that you're ignoring the neighbor boy. We have some neighbors like that and I have to admit that I avoid going outside when they're around because they always want to come into our yard and play. They annoy me because they're loud, obnoxious, rude, and they break our toys, too. I haven't figured out a nice way to turn them down so I just avoid.
Hey There Kristin, Don't feel bad about what you're going through right now, we have all been there, and all those feelings are definitely trying to tell you something.
Maybe this is a good time to think about the difference between "need" and "want." Don't let yourself suffer and get trapped by the "stuff" of life. Many thoughts coming your way today!
Post a Comment